Jokes

I guess it's how ya tell 'em. You told this particular joke much better, butcher.

 

Q: what do you call an italian gutter-punk who lost his alarm clock?
A: a self-rising pizza crust!

 

Two friends walk into a pub and see their buddy, Joe, drunk at a table, they greet each other and the one joins him while the other one goes to the bar and orders some beers. Meanwhile the one at the table starts checking under his shoes. He then asks his drunk buddy if he'd stepped in some shit. So he checks his shoes, nothing. At the same time his friend arrives back with the beers and asks "what's up?" His friend says to him: "can you smell that?"
"sniff, sniff...Fucking hell, where's that coming from?"
"Joe, did you shit your pants today?"
Joe goes: "No ways, mate!"
"C'mon, you must've, that smell's coming from you."
Joe: "No! I'm telling you, I did not shit in my pants today!"
Says "I don't believe you. Come with!" The two friends grab him and take him to the toilets and tell him to drop his pants.
So he pulls down his pants. They look inside and the whole inside of his pants is encrusted with shit.
He goes: "you fucking liar, you told us you didn't shit your pants today."
"No, I wasn't lying to you! This is from yesterday."

 

Hey so I just heard this long ass joke but it's funny I think in person.

So there was a man who lived in a town right off the Mexican border.
Every day he would walk through the checkpoint and across the border into Mexico. He'd come back a few hours later but every time he did, he'd be riding a bicycle with two big bags of rice, one draped over each side of the bike. He did this every day. And every day the two guards at the checkpoint searched the bags. They would question the man, spill the bags out on the table and sift through all the rice. But they never found anything except rice and at the end of it, they'd have to release the man only to repeat the cycle the next day.

This drove the guards batshit because there was no question in their minds that the man was smuggling something. He had to be.
One Friday night, the two guards walked into town to get a drink at the local bar. When they walked in they saw that lo and behold, there was the very man sitting at the bar by himself. At this point the guards had had enough, they walked over to the man and sat on either side of him.
"Hey man," the guards said, "we know you're smuggling something and we can't figure out what it is, but we just have to know because it's driving us crazy. So listen, you win ok? If you tell just what it is, we won't tell anyone and we promise we'll never search you again."

The man smiled and said "All right then. Bikes."

 

what's the difference between michelle obama and the working class?
the president only fucks michelle obama up the ass on his birthday.

how many obama supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? four:
one to print the flyers
one to host the rally
once to say "well, the bush administration installed the lightbulb, it should be their responsibility to change it!"
and one to wait four years, do nothing, and then drone strike anyone who asks questions about it.

 

How many punx does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to change the light bulb, a second to kick the ladder out from underneath the first one, a third one to talk about the good old days when changing a lightbulb meant something, M-A-A-A-N...... and the rest to go on Facebook, or forums such as this one to complain that the first three are posers and sell outs to the multi national corporations.